Sometime in March 2004
It's amazing how far you can run when you're loaded on cheap corner store over the counter speed. YAY EPHEDRA!

And for no good reason, here is a picture of some old ladies with pancakes on their heads.



Sometime in February



January 31st 2004
I've never taken E before. Taken a bunch of everything else, but never E. Tonight should be fun. Going to pop some in a bit and see how I feel, Jake and Jen coming for the babysitting pick up and heading bowling to West Seattle. I'm sure I'll end up somewhere. zing!

January 29th 2004
Web phenoms get all the hookups.

January 29th 2004
Apparently while snowboarding, I have this nasty habit of smelling like cat urine. *note to self, wash snowboarding gear more often and keep a closer eye on the house cat*

January 28th 2004
I always thought it was a hopped up urban ski legend. Here and there on the lifts or with snowboard friends someone would talk about how somewhere, someplace, years back a ski lift went out of control backwards. It started out slow, then started picking up speed. The people at the bottom were getting violently whipped off the chair as they rounded the bottom. People higher up were jumping the 30 or so feet from the chair lift to the ground in the hopes of not being flung off and hurt. Mayhem and pain made to scare the newfish, told by grizzled older veterans to little kids.

Yeah yeah, another urban legend. Just found this. Awesome.

January 28th 2004
Just a quick public service announcement to say that Katie is an assface and a brat and i hope little kids eat her knees off at work.

January 25th 2004
Next time you go to a net cafe to do work, bring a fucking mouse.
Nothing sucks more than hands all over a fucking laptop pad and keyboard shortcuts in photoshop/flash.

Ack.

I'm not sure if its a bonus, or a negative... there are two lesbians here making out in the cafe, unfortunately they aren't the hot kind, they are the nasty "tattoos on their arms sleeves rolled up and could kick my ass" bull butch dykes.

It's gross and intriguing at the same time. not because they are dykes, just because they are gross nasty butch dykes. It is reminding me of an Animal Planet special into the animal husbandry and mating rituals of a secret species, biggus butchus dykus. RAWR.

In a way its a nice distraction, like my own personal Jim Rose Circus Sideshow. There's a guy selling heroin out the window a few feet from me. All I'd need to make this a stellar view is some dancing dwarves.

I could really use some dancing fucking dwarves. And a mouse of course.

January 26th 2004
Will the real Beavis please stand up?
    

Do you miss Beavis and Butthead? Wonder where they went after they did America? Well, have I got good news for you! Turns out Beavis, in human form, is alive and well -- and committing crime in Oregon. Not only is this guy the spitting image of the animated headbanger also known as Cornholio, he was arrested under ... odd circumstances last week.

Chris Kemp, 37, was found inside a Gresham man's home wearing the resident's mother's clothing and playing music last Friday night. To be specific, Kemp was wearing Carlos Castillo's mother's leopard-skin hat and matching scarf. Castillo confronted the alarmingly large-foreheaded intruder, who then returned money he'd stolen and agreed to wait for the police to arrive.

So, you're asking, what about all the scratches on Kemp's huge forehead? No one knows for sure, but Kemp has garnered a bit of a cult following since his mug shot hit the 'Net last week, and The Smoking Gun offers this insight:

As for the ... mug shot taken by the Multnomah County Sheriff, no, the image has not been manipulated to make Kemp resemble a light bulb or balloon. And he apparently got those forehead scratches during an earlier encounter with some sort of brier patch, details of which TSG has not uncovered.

The unfortunately famous Kemp has also been featured on mugshots.com and in the Glasgow Daily Record.
(yeah i stole that article. i dont write like that jackass)

January so and something or another
You see, when I was first cuttin’ my teeth on the liquor scene, I used to go pull a few back with this old wino named Punch Man. He usually hung out in this junkyard clearing that was behind an old Safeway, and he was a bad-ass dude, just drunk as hell all the time. He would stand up and scream as trains rolled by the yard, the way a dog barks at a stranger, and usually throw a bottle at their wheels. The train engineers didn’t care, they knew Punch Man and they knew it was always just glass.

I drank with Punch Man because he was the rawest of the raw, but he was gentle as a lamb if he knew you were on his side. There was nothing Punch Man wouldn’t do for you if he knew that you wouldn’t arrest him or hit him with a brick while he was sleeping. We spent a lot of afternoons and late nights just taking blasts from whatever rot-gut I showed up with, talking the real stuff of life. The dude could pull down a whole gallon jug of Paisano in thirty seconds, a fifth of Ancient Situation in the time it took you to smoke a cigarette, and—I’m getting to the point here—he could shotgun a half-rack of Rainier Ice in as much time as it took you to unpack them and hand them over.

One time after I’d cracked him a twelver of brew he held his chest and fell down onto his side. Thinking Punch Man’s number had finally come, I knelt close to him. With his horrible breath he hissed “get me a liiiime, motherfucker!” I ran as quick as I could into the Safeway and boosted him a lime. When I got back I handed it to him and he shoved it deep down into his throat with a stick, way down into his stomach. Then he took my hand, forced my fist into a clench, and showed me that he wanted me to punch him as hard as I could right in the center of his chest.

I figured he’d die either way, so I hit him for all I was worth. He shit in his pants, puked up the lime, and let out a burp as loud as a thunderclap. Slowly he stood up, brushed himself off and smiled at me. “Old hobo trick,” he said, grinning toothlessly in the cold fluorescent light.

The next day I found Punch Man dead next to a pile of empty beer cans. His face was all blue around the mouth and his eyes were all purple – he’d exploded on the inside after going on another beer bender, with no one around to get him a lime. In the pile of cans I found one he hadn’t gotten to yet and cracked it. I drank it slowly, thoughtfully, as the sun began to fade and the chill set in. Later on I gave him a traditional Hobo Funeral, like he always said he wanted, in the Safeway dumpster.

December 28th 2003
I've spent the last few hours making life size porn sculptures out of rebar and coiled wire.

God i love home depot.

Tomorrow I'll be building the cock, along with the man to put it on, to match up with the female against the wall that i just built the frame of.

Speaking of art, my friend Keith has a showing going on right now downtown at The Diner. He's showing a bunch of his oil paintings, if you're down in pioneer square check it out.

December 25th 2003
Nothing is more appropriate on Christmas day than a really good facial. God bless you craigslist, god fucking bless you.

December 22nd 2003
A letter from Santa Claus:
There I was minding my own fucking business, Santa Claus, hanging out with my friend doing some night snowboarding at Ski Acres. I gotta rest up before the big day ya know? Boozing up on some jager and popping ephedra like it was candy. Just a regular day in the life of Santa.

Most everyone was nice, people asked for ponies, playstations, the like. I would smile and wave, more often than not yell back "you'll be lucky if you dont get a beating you fucking monkey!" and end the deal with a finger.

We took one last run, headed to the top of Bonanza for a quick ride to the bottom. Enter from stage right Jackass and his little sidekick Assface riding up on Kmart boards. "Hey santa, I want some crack for christmas, (butthead style) YEAH CRACK UH UH HUH"

So I say something snappy and quick about "Why would you ask for crack, how about some sack?" and begin to pull it out for a showing, bent on permanently warping these guys view of Santa from here on out.

Well they wouldn't shut it. Then they made their mistake. They didn't realize they gotta watch their fucking backs around Santa. Maybe it was the cheap over the counter speed kicking in, maybe it had something to do with just running out of booze, but I really felt like Santa needed to give one of these punters a good body check.

They moved down a bit, strapped on, and had just started down the hill when i slid down beside the nearest one and gave him a nice solid check from behind. Now I'm not usually one to go around hurting people, but seeing that guy fly face first into the ice really did wonders for my mood.

I can't stop thinking of that guy talking to his friends asking "So how did you get that nasty fat lip?"... and him having to reply "Santa Claus checked me"

Moral of the story? Don't EVER turn your back on Santa. If Santa Claus lays into you, you must have had it coming.

December 19th 2003
Merry Friggin Christmas.

December 10th 2003
Hey look it has been two weeks. whoooopde dooo!

November 21st 2003
Getting stuff done. Bored but busy. Filling up with codeine, caffeine, and the sounds of homeless on the street fighting about malt liquor. Good times.

I'm about two blocks from trabus's apartment, I should go ring his bell a few times and see if I can get pictures of him in his boxer briefs by surprise .

Thanks to all the file sharing programs i have going on my work computer and my home computer, was surprisingly easy to download all my current projects to my laptop . 've got coffee, a pseudo bohemian surrounding, and a free high speed internet network. and I'm coding audio swfs.

If the me today would have met the me from ten years ago, I would have punched myself and called me a yuppie. Weee Friday night at Aurafice.

November 13th 2003
Now I can finally wash my foot. a few weeks of no washing makes my foot a stinky stinky gunga foot. I got the stitches out this morning

I put my finger in between my toes last night and smelled the stuff on my finger.

It smelled like death.

Also, the Owl and Thistle still has great tasting Harp lagers, and their happy hour burgers are surprisingly good as leftovers. I would have usually eaten it there, but I was way too busy screaming and fighting to be bothered with food.

November 6th 2003
I had a little surprise birthday party for my girlfriend last night at a restaurant. I don't know all of her friends all that well, and Judy, one of her nice girlfriends that came along, well she only knows me from the crap and dribble that she's read from here on line of me in the last year or so of me being a drunken yahoo. So last night at the restaurant everyone was ordering margaritas and whiskey drinks and I ordered an ice tea. Just because an ice tea sounded nice and refreshing and such.

Flash forward to this morning, I get a message from Renah (the girlyfriend) telling me "Judy just asked if you were on the wagon."

It doesnt make for a great story, but it made me laugh. I ended up shooting some wild turkey and hobbling around on crutches, even got hit on and swoo'ed at by 5 guys in the window of the "wild rose".

I'm going to get back to my percocet induced work day now.  cheers. God grant me the serenity.... haha


November 5th 2003
If THIS isn't pure fame and recognition, then I dont know my ass from my head.

October 30th 2003
Hey Dana, here are the pictures of the danis housewarming bbq, just a couple months late.

October 29th 2003
Toe Surgery
Toes been hurting long long long fucking time, finally went to the doctor, doctor does lots of fucking tests, doctor clearly unsure exactly what the problem is, doctor does surgery, doctor pulls a fucking tumor out of my toe joint along with pulling out half the joint.

I'll find out more of what is up with it on Friday afternoon.

I was told that I would be able to have my own photographer in the surgery with me the whole time for photos, when I got to the hospital all the staff said that my doctor was misinformed and that no way in hell would anyone be let in with a camera, pictures here are from before and after. Pretty bummed out that I didn't get in with camera. At least I got knocked out completely. Here's all the pictures that I did get.

October 27th 2003
Stop your whining emily, im going into surgery in two hours, ill have you some bloody pictures by the end of the day   :)

October 13th 2003
His name is John.
He would sit at his desk, talk to people all day long at work on his Nintendo, somehow oblivious to the fact that it was in fact a Nintendo Gameboy and not a real actual telephone. Always talking and talking and carrying on conversations with many people, one of them "Dave".  The coworkers would eventually of course discover that he was in fact crazy, massively insane, and there was no Dave. In fact, there wasn't really anybody there at all since it was just a Gameboy that he was talking into.

"Hey Melissa? What is Derrick up to this weekend?" he asked Melissa, my sister, one day at work.
"ummm? Do you mean my brother?" she said back slightly confused.
"Yeah, what is he doing this weekend, I'm heading to a rave in Portland this weekend and I was going to call him and see if he wanted to go"

I never went to that rave. Mainly to the fact that I don't know who the hell John is and just now heard of him for the first time tonight along with this story. I guess John got fired recently because he is nuts.

Good luck John, I just wanted to tell you, in case no one else had the guts to tell you, that you are crazy, and that the insides of rave glow sticks are NOT made of acid and maybe you should stop eating those hm? (this is in fact, a fact, not something that i just made up)

Cheers John!

October 5th 2003
Spent the weekend out with family. Me and Renah, Melissa, Curtis and family headed over to Yakima to see our Dad who we don't see much. Stayed on an Indian reservation, slept in giant teepees. I'm not going to show you all yahoo's any pictures of that now so I'll stop yapping about it. Here's some sets from the last month or so that I've been slacking on getting online.
Melissa's Birthday
Rainier hike with Renah and Tim